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Return To Oakland

...And it came to pass that Don returned to Oakland, as had the mighty Silver and Black army the previous July. As the yellow chariot approached the legendary and most holy House Of Thrills, Don felt a lump forming in his throat and his mouth went dry. As he gazed upon the awesome shrine of Raider greatness he saw the error of his ways and began to weep openly. He came upon the tunnel where the plaques honoring past Raider greats are, and fell to the ground, laying prostrate before them, speaking in tongues only other Raider fans could translate. He begged forgiveness for his sins, for making to lie down with unclean hooven spirits and for uttering blasphemous donko praises. And then from above a light shone upon him and Don was bathed in a Silver glow. A voice beckoned him, it was the voice of John Madden, and Don heard the voice say, "Get thine horse-faced elway-loving ass out to yon parking lot and appease the holy brethren of Raiders Fans@super.org and submit thine offerings!"

On his journey to the great Raiders Fans List Tailgate Party and Extravaganza(tm) Don purchased hats, shirts and jackets that bore the shield of the great and powerful RAIDER image, and wore them. For this, the Raider gods were well pleased. Don made his way to the first "A" pole and set his gaze upon Randy's (the Keeper of the Holy Raiders Fans@super.org sign) chariot with the Holy sign proudly mounted above it. "Avert thine eyes!" the Madden-voice rebuked him, "Thou may not look upon the Holy sign until thou hast completed thine repentance!" Still quaking from the awesome power of the Madden-voice, Don knelt before R8der and begged "Bless me Father for I have sinned" and with tears now streaming down his cheeks he cried out to the list members gathered 'round "I have sinned against you!"

And R8der spake, "Woe to he who embraces a rival AFC West team that embarrasses the entire league by losing four Super Bowls!", "Woe to he that worships false idols with horse-like teeth!", "Woe to he that dwell in a house divided!", "REPENT!" and Don wailed louder now. R8der pointed to Don and said "Oh spirits of donkey-stench come out of this boy! Leave his body now, and do not besiege young Don with putrid orange and blue thoughts forever more!" and with these words Don did twitch and spasm as the viscous, foul unclean spirits left his body. Then Don burst into song, belting out a rousing chorus of the classic I Saw Shorty Blowing Shannon Sharpe followed by chanting Here We Go Raiders over and over. "Now," R8der continued, "What is your offering?"

Don stepped up to Randy's most massive gas-grill and loaded it up with savory ribs, chicken and sausages, and the list members were well pleased. Don then produced an offering of cold, high quality Northern California Micro-Brews, and Dago said "That'll do!" and again the list members were well pleased. The Madden-voice once again beckoned Don, "Now go forth, and abuse those infidels that worship other teams, especially the whiners, donks and all other AFC West teams! Thou hast properly repented, and are now worthy to clothe thyself in Silver & Black, and savor the numerous Super Bowl victories the Raiders will enjoy." "GO RAIDERS!" Don yelled.

And from that day forward Don never again paid attention to any team other than the Raiders, and gleefully flamed any unclean non-fan that dared post to the Raiders Fans list.

Speak To The Prophet!